She was Blond

She was blond and she was neat

and what she offered was poisoned meat

and I said to myself "you shouldn't eat"

but I was hungry and it was sweet

and I didn't think about tomorrow.

She was short and she was pert

and the meal she served was sand and dirt

but I ate it all and each bite hurt

and I didn't complain about dessert

because you can't tell about tomorrow.

I hoped it wouldn't but tomorrow came

and if it's anyones fault then I'm to blame

that my tongue feels like it was made of flame

and I'm blind in one eye and deaf and lame

and only God knows about tomorrow.

Someday I swear I'll go on a diet

eat coddled eggs in peace and quiet

but my appetite's strong and to satisfy it

if her menu's the same today I'll try it

because

who cares about tomorrow.

SONG

Perfume and quiet music, a soft silk sheeted bed

help when the spirit's willing but the body's nearly dead

but when the jisms' rushing and the rip is on the vine

a place on the floor by the open door

will do for me and mine.

Perfume and quite music, candlelight and wine

stoke the flames of passion when the body is supine

but when hormones are flowing and the rip is on the vine

standing up in a china cup

will do for me and mine

(or squatting down with a crowd around

will do for me and mine.)

I KNEW A WOMAN

I knew a woman who looked a fright

the pieces of her face weren't right

She had a body just as queer

with three parts there and two parts here.

Vertical she was a mess

and what was where you had to guess

but on her back she had a grace

and everthing fell into place.

(not beauty but delight

redeemed the lady in the night.)

How Come

How come every loving wife

screams at her husband, not on your life

only a beast would do it like that

and I wouldn't sink to your level, you rat.

Whereas if an old boy friend

happens to mention he enjoys that end

she sighs, "what a sensual thing to do,"

and paints it colors and perfumes it too.

How come it's a sure bet that a woman

with a mouth full of a man

that she's just happened to meet

swallows and says it tastes sweet

Whereas her husband trying the same trick

will end up with tooth marks on his stick

and what's in her mouth spit over his belly

with the complaint that it makes her sick and is smelly

How come the woman only recently wed

with someone else's spouse in bed

get off before he does and squeals with delight

though he only lasts a minute before he drops from sight

While her husband who's twice the size

like a long distance runner pursuing a prize

chases her for an hour and finally drops worn

and wins from her for his effort something between a squeak and a yawn

How come the wife who at home will only do it on a new sheet

and complains after her husband's bath that he really hasn't

washed his feet

and tells him she finds sex tiring and slightly vulgar and they

should stop

because he's always too heavy when he's on top

and insists that making love is just a lot of trouble

and makes him shave again because she can't stand stubble

and demands he close his eyes and not touch her below the waist

because it's not refined and in bad taste.

and says in the middle that she feels oppressed and doesn't have

her heart in it

and they should stop again and rest a minute

and says she wishes he would do it slower like Mary's husband Jim

because she never has to rush to catch up to him

and, as he's coming, criticizes his technique

and says he doesn't have to prove to her that he's not weak

and instead of an orgasm she gets the point of a joke she missed

and can't understand why he gets pissed

and says, tommorrow, and turns over and shuts her eyes

and says, marriage requires compromise.

Whereas with the man with whom she's having an affair

she'll do it almost anywhere

and perfers the decor

of a public place like a washroom floor

or a roof somewhere or the back of a bar

or a nearly empty subway car.

And when he comes in at a slant and misses

she hardly ever groans and hisses

"You jerk, you've wounded me

open your eyes don't work from memory."

She doesn't ask if it was meant to kill or merely maim

just shifts her body so he doesn't have to aim

and tells him she gets excited when he dresses up in a disguise

and he insists she rape him with her eyes

and tells him she adores his favorite position

(the one made famous by the Spanish Inquisition)

and when he flops on her and give a shove

its his technique she says, that won her love

and says, she'll pay whatever price

because, she says, true love demands real sacrifice.

III

There's a moral here if you forget it

I warn you brother you'll regret it

You know it already but you've suppressed it

so I'll tell you again though the ladies protest it.

If there is someone for whom you really have warm feelings of love and devotion

for whom you care deeply with full honest masculine emotion

someone with whom sex is everything it's supposed to be and then someone you can give to as well as get from

someone who'll satisfy your every whim if you let her

with whom the first time's good but the second better

if there's someone you'd like to settle down with to live a sensuous tender domestic life

someone you'd like to marry and make your wife

for God's sake don't ‑‑ it will ruin everything.

When a woman marries she gives her heart

but raises the price of the other parts

and while she's grateful for what she's got

it's never as good as what she's not

and the man she's caught, she thinks can't match

the speed of the ones she couldn't catch

and any man who's free to roam

must be smoother and smarter than the one at home.

Before you do anything drastic reconsider

a woman's always won by the lowest bidder

after marriage things are never what they were

a woman changes when you marry her

the moment that you say, "please be my wife,"

her mind turns to the one who said, "not on your life."

If you really love her let someone else wed her

she'll love you more each time he beds her

let her take someone elses ring and name

when things go wrong it's him she'll blame.

Let someone else change with her seasons

when things go right you'll be the reason

let someone else get pushed and do the shoving

its you she'll run to when she wants her loving

let someone else stay husband if he can

stay single and her lover and her man.

Sage Advice Poem

How often have you heard some wise guy suggest

pointing to a lady with a well developed chest,

"you ought to give her a whirl, she's an easy score,

no matter how much you like it, she likes it more."

"When the lights are out and the room is dark

she'll play the fish to any shark."

"She's not much on brains," he'll say of course,

"love's gain was a public school's loss."

"It's not that she's dumb she just forgot

which end is up and which goes into what."

"If her shoulders weren't attached to her head

she'd lose it, and probably in bed."

"She doesn't know her ass from her elbow."

My advice to you is forget it.

Now and then you happen to find

a passionate lady with love on her mind

who doesn't know the difference between her ass and her elbow

or your ass and your elbow

but says she's willing to learn if you're that kind.

Passion is good and ignorance better

she'll give you heaven if only you let her

but when the evening is over and morning comes

you'll have three green thumbs.

Every once in a while you meet someone's Mrs.

who loves caressing and is heavyon kisses

and doesn't care much whether it's her ass or her elbow

or your ass or your elbow

as long as it's not his's.

Looks are good and willingness better

she'll give you heaven if only youlet her

But when the new day begins and you get out of bed

you'll be one quarter living and three quarters dead.

Occasionally you happen to meet

a sensitive woman who's willing to cheat

and knows the difference between her ass and her elbow

and you ass and your elbow

but says she'll forget it if you're sweet.

Endurance is good and inventiveness better

she will give you heaven if only you let her

but after it's over you'll wish you had not

because you'll remember what she forgot.

So when you meet a woman who isn't quite sure

of which is which or doesn't much care

my advice to you is exit the nearest door

or make believe she isn't there

because

the morning after the night before

even your toenails will be sore

and you won't want to, anymore.